i am. giving up on myself?

i’m not going to lie, recently, i’ve hated the way i look. this past year i’ve gained 10 lbs, stopped working out as much, never wear makeup or do my hair, started living in sweatpants, & so on. it feels like i’ve given up on myself.

when i scroll through pictures of myself from last year, i actually kinda liked the way i looked. i dressed up for class, was the skinniest i’ve ever been, posed with boujee matcha lattes and frankly, i had my sh*t together. at least it looked like that in pictures.

but when my phone decided to hit the fan & become unresponsive, i was forced to use my ipad for connection to the world (because, let’s be real, i can’t go 24 hours without internet). i went through the camera roll, bracing myself for all of the cringe that i was about to witness, and noticed something. i am currently the same size i was when i was younger. yet, in those pictures i was happier. much happier. maybe i was self conscious of my braces, or the size of my nose, but i never hated the way i look, like i do now.

reflecting on how i view myself now, versus last year, and then when i was in middle school, is depressing. how and when did i teach myself that hating the way i looked was normal? or even okay for that matter? when i appeared the most put together, i was the most unhappy mentally. when i was younger, and looked anything but cute, i felt the best mentally. clearly, something’s not right.

honestly, reading this as i write it makes me realize just how bad this has gotten. how oblivious i’ve been. how in denial. i am realizing that i haven’t given up on myself, and rather, i’ve let myself be. i want to love myself the way i did in middle school. no matter what the number on a scale says. & if not starving myself, only working out when i want to, and even gaining 10lbs, means being genuinely happy, well then sign me up.