i posted on my story this past weekend a photo of my crying with the caption “i’m not okay” for approximately 45 seconds before taking it down.
for the past few years, i have been having negative thoughts about myself. i have a mental health issue. but i didn’t believe it until recently because my problems don’t look the same as the ones depicted in media.
my boyfriend told me that night that he believes every person has a mental health problem. before, i would argue with that statement, but now i agree. i used to think that having a mental health problem meant cutting, anorexia/bulimia, sleeping all day, binge drinking, etc. i thought that i was normal and that i didn’t need to talk to anyone about my sadness. that it’s common. that i’m fine.
but i don’t think sadness is: having an amazing day, but suddenly wanting to cry and be left alone.
i don’t think sadness is: avoiding eating to where you feel queezy, then stuffing yourself to feel temporarily better, then feeling the need to work off the calories, which causes you to go for a run in the cold rain, hoping that if you run for long enough it will make you throw up.
i don’t think sadness is: crying three times in a week, but not fully knowing why.
i don’t think sadness is: avoiding your boyfriend, who you know would make you happy, to be alone. making feel like you don’t want to see him.
so sure, i get sad. everyone gets sad. but i don’t think i can keep going on saying that i can keep chalking this up to sadness simply because i don’t show the classic signs on depression or another mental health problem. & by calling it what it is, i realize that it’s much more common than i once though. more normalized. & that’s just where it starts to get scary.
if i continue to normalize this feeling, then i would never get help & would never begin to feel better. more myself again. & that’s really all i want. so while i don’t have an instant gratification solution like everyone else on the internet seems to, i may be able to help in the first step of what is a long process of recovery. identification.
