i am. creating new traditions

“wait. christmas is tomorrow?”

i woke up on the morning of the 25th alone in my house. i laid in bed dozing off for four hours listening to every flipturn song i could before crawling out of bed – only to fulfill my bodies demand for coffee. i didn’t really have much other reason to leave its warmth. all of the wrapping on my presents had been carefully removed the day before, first at my dads house, then my moms. my day was filled with optional plans that i really wasn’t in the mood for.

when i got to my moms house, she was in the shower and the head chef at the bar i work at was passed out on the couch. no lights were on, no music was playing, no aroma of cinnamon rolls or bacon was filling the dry air. my moms boyfriend came in behind me with a diet coke from the gas station. breakfast of eggs, packaged cinnamon rolls, bacon and sausage was made and consumed before my mom and her boyfriend went to see his parents. i stayed home and watched the snow swirl in the wind before plummeting to the ground. there is no good people watching from the second story downtown apartment today. everyone is spending time with family.

the reason i forgot it was the holidays is because every single christmas tradition i have had for as long as i can remember suddenly disappeared. no cookie baking, no church, no cutting down a tree, no strolling through congested malls, no verbal battles from my parents about what we can afford for presents. my brother didn’t even stay in town for more than two hours.

snapchat reminds me of how much has changed through memories of my brother dancing in the kitchen, my dog laying under the glittering tree, and the exquisite spread of food covering the glossy island in the kitchen of my childhood house. but dwelling on all that has changed – all that i am currently yearning for – i realize that it’s not going to fix anything. my life is different now, and it’s not going back to how it used to be. so maybe i should just suck it up and get used to it. create new traditions. be grateful for the new instead of jealous of the past. 

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