i have a pit in my stomach writing this. & it is beyond difficult for me to admit to this. i can’t move to portland. i am staying staying.
my mom called me the other day and told me that she would no longer help me fund my move, & without financial support, i simply can’t afford it.
i want to cry because i can’t go. i want to cry because i feel like i’m giving up. i want to cry because i have to go back on my word. i want to cry because, despite all of my mom’s resistance, i really believed it would happen. but mostly, i want to cry because i’m stuck living in rochester. where every day is the same & very few get out.
this summer, while filled with tons of my best friend (@zoie_stratton), new friends, & laughs, was also extremely toxic. my mom constantly shared her negativity and stress with me. i had my appearance constantly criticized or commented on by my superiors at work, had to deal with bitchy customers (giving me a negative outlook on humanity), & worked myself to death, for what now seems like no reason.
the only thing i’m holding on to for peace of mind is more of the people i love & that the riots in portland are scary. i have been avoiding the news, hoping they would just disappear, but clearly, that isn’t working out so well.
what my next year will look like… idk. but i guess every “no” welcomes a new “yes.”
