last night, my roommate laid down on the dining room floor. she told me that after going to therapy, she learned to sometimes just lay down and think. her favorite thing to think about is where she is in life.
because i’m a busy body, i was baking brownies and filling up the ice trays when she did this. she told me to lay with her. i obeyed. i too began to think about where i am in life. and where i pictured i would be at twenty years old.
ten years ago, i would have told you that by 20 i would be going to school out of state (probably julliard studying dance). that i would still hate writing. that my parents would still be married. & if someone told me that i would still be living in rochester, with divorced parents, studying writing at University of Michigan, having already had a successful career as a blogger before deleting social media, laying on the floor in my unfinished kitchen while a black cat sniffs my face and i listen to “heather” by conan gray, i would have told you that you have the wrong person.
yet, i’m happy. happier than i’ve been in a long time. i can’t help but smile as i stare at the ugly, uncentered chandelier. i can’t help but smile, looking over my right shoulder at my roommate. the weirdest person i’ve ever met. the girl who i learn more and more about every day. the girl who is in love with her cat. the girl who is currently telling me about her worst heartbreak. the girl who let me live in her guest bedroom for as long as i need. the girl who i look forward to seeing her at the end of every day.
i’m twenty, and once a worldwide pandemic hit, causing infinite uncertainty, i began planning the rest of my life. not knowing what crazy thing is going to pop up in the headlines next, i thought that planning my life would give me comfort. but it didn’t. it made me more stressed out. so here i am. laying on the floor in my dining room. letting myself just be.
goodbye to expectations of what my future should look like. i know that no matter what i do, it won’t end up that way. so why waste my time thinking about it?
3 Comments
Linda Beresford
I love hearing that you are happy! That’s what matters the most!!!
Bella Malatesta
you’re so sweet! so fortunate to have “met” you
John Ippolito
This is so well written, fluid with a simple allure. It inspires the basic concept of chasing happiness and not dollars. Although there might be some unwanted changes to your lifes blueprint, each diversion is another foundational brick to what you are becoming. The ugly, uncentered chandelier is symbolic of how imperfection can still get the job done. Your acceptance of it is evidence that you embrace the process of life because the finish line is not where we win. I would be honored and blessed to have you over my left shoulder. Now get up, eat a brownie, drink a coffee and dance to a playlist.