i feel like i’ve wrote and rewrote this post hundreds of times. i’ve only written about my parents divorce once, when it was first announced, and clearly, i didn’t know what was going to happen. & so much has happened.
i wanted to wait until it was finalized, but now theres so much to discuss, it would take a novel to do it. so i figured id take about the worst part. well, the worst part changes daily. at one point, it was the arguing, then it was my little brother dealing with it alone, then it was my parents going out more often (& my dad using dating apps which might be even scarier), then it was being in the middle of money conflicts, then it was being judged by my extended family, then my dad moving out. but now i think i have it figured out.
the worst part about divorce in my case is that it has separated my family. i never really noticed it until last weekend when i was walking on the trails by my house all alone. everyone was outside. families rode bikes together, little girls and their dads walked holding hands, mothers gossiped with their daughters. & i just started crying.
at that point, i had never felt more lonely. i saw smiling faces on that glorious sunny afternoon, and couldn’t help but see my old life. MY family used to ride bikes together. I used to walk and gossip with my mom. & all of that disappeared in a blink of an eye.
my family had always been a unit, so i was pumped to get to spend time with them during this quarantine. but, instead of spending time together, my dad went on vacation with his girlfriend, my brothers have spent every waking minute playing video games & my mom has been preoccupied with her boyfriend (don’t get me wrote, i’m really happy she found someone she loves and wants to spend time with – but will take some getting used to). so i have spent a lot of time alone. trying to distract myself with books & long, long walks. but being home no longer feels the same.
i grew up knowing a family that was inseparable. one that loved spending time together. & while it seems like this new normal is what is best for everyone else, it’s going to take some getting used to on my end
